The Year Before I Turned 40.

I wrote this piece on Mom Spark a year before I turned 40. Also, check out my piece on “The Face of 37”  I wrote 6 years ago.

One More Year of 30 and Why I'm Terrified.

I’ve never invested too much time or thought into my age. When I turned 30, it didn’t phase me at all. Like, at all. I didn’t mourn or stay out all night drinking my sorrows away. It really wasn’t a big deal. Same with 35. I embraced 37, and so on. If anything, each age change meant a fresh, new chapter that was bound to bring in amazing adventures and experiences. And it always did.

Now that I am approaching 39 (on July 23rd), the last year of my 30’s, I dunno, it feels unusual. Not in a sad way necessarily, but certainly not in an ecstatic way, either. Instead, I’m feeling a rush of “OMG, am I doing what I want with my life/I haven’t saved enough money for the future/am I a good mother/am I a good wife/I need to take better care of myself/am I good enough/holy crap, my boys will be men soon” type of emotions. Like, ALL OF THE FEELS and thoughts. Every single one of them.

One More Year of 30 and Why I'm Terrified.

My 30’s have been good to me. I had a second child. I experienced many self-discovery moments. I established a career that I adore. I regained confidence and rediscovered my passions. I traveled. I did things that I never would have done before. I feel as if losing that “30” means losing these experiences. It’s silly, I know. Not rational at all. Regardless, it is freaking me the frack out.

If I live to be 80, 40 will mark the halfway point in my life. THE HALFWAY POINT. Hell, what if I don’t even have a full lifespan at all? So many thoughts. So many fears. Doubts galore.

Right now, this very moment, I feel vulnerable. Fragile. As if my life as I know it will be over soon and I really don’t want it to be. I’m not sure why I assume that this next decade won’t be anything short of adventure, fulfillment, and beauty, just like my 30’s, but I don’t and I’m scared. What if I am already at my peak? Where happens next? Also, why am I so fixated on a number?

I thought about writing a letter of encouragement, or even making a video, to myself to provide a reminder that life is always fragile and short and unknown. That numbers are truly just numbers (as they say) and attitude and one’s heart are what separate the young from the old. That NOW, right NOW, is the time to savor and appreciate each and every moment with those you love. To say, “I love you” more and to say it with real meaning. to hug TIGHTLY. To forgive those who have added a heaviness in your life. To breathe. To be spontaneous. To jump and laugh. To LIVE.

One More Year of 30 and Why I'm Terrified.

I will keep telling myself these things.

One More Year of 30 and Why I'm Terrified.

One more year. Here we go.

How do you feel now that you’re approaching or in your 40’s? I have to say – it’s pretty freaking cool and even better than my 30’s. I know who I am, where I want to go, and who I want to be more than ever. And that feels pretty damn good. So, this 40 thing? It is good stuff.

Love & Peace.

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  • Reply DeAnn June 5, 2019 at 3:20 am

    Wow! I feel like you just took the words out of my brain/mouth with this post. I will turn 40 at the end of this month and I have had such a rough year yet wonderful year at the same time. It’s been such a blessing but my mind has been a whirlwind of emotions trying to decipher who I really am as a woman. And thus ended up leading me here. I finally hit my peak over the last 2-3 months of awe moments and knew that I want to start blogging about my life going into my 40s and being a new mom all over again. I haven’t started yet but you have been such an inspiration and very enlightening to read!

    • Reply amy June 5, 2019 at 3:17 pm

      Awwww, thank you so much for your kind words! We’re in this together. 🙂

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