I share here because I believe in the power of vulnerability and the responsibility of using given gifts (like this platform) to help others. And there’s no doubt that sharing helps me, too, but that’s honestly not my primary purpose of doing so.
I do not have life figured out. I will never even come close to that. All I am doing is working, learning, and sharing this work with those (you) that enter my life.
My independent, funny, extroverted side can look overly confident and put together on the surface. I know I’m putting out this energy. It’s an energy that says I don’t need anyone or anything because I’m so woke and centered. That I’m quite okay all on my own, doing my self-work, popping around here and there with a smile on my face.
Sometimes I even believe that myself. But I can assure you that is not the case. At all.
The truth is that I don’t know how to be nurtured or taken care of. I honestly don’t. I’ve always found myself in (and no doubt manufactured) a dynamic where my “job” is to do the nurturing. Alone. That’s my work. And, many times, I won’t LET anyone do it for me.
While I *have* developed many strengths in my self-work over the last four years (long before my marriage ended), I am clueless about this nurturing thing. Clueless. I’m great at communicating my feelings, needs, and wants, but I still step in to “finish the job.” This doesn’t make me a hero or a saint. Or better than anyone. It’s actually quite painful and lonely.
It is, no doubt, a defense mechanism I learned as a child and then well into my marriage. Nurture was a privilege that took a shit ton of earning to receive. And when I did get it, I held onto it SO TIGHTLY for the short time I had it. I was oh-so-grateful for the little bits of love I received in return of tireless work.
I know this was not the norm. Is not the norm. And I know that I was presented those experiences for a reason, as terrible as they were, and that reason was not to be so hardened that I’m incapable of receiving real love and nurturing in my life NOW.
I can be a badass bitch AND be nurtured. I can.